We didn’t even get to the credits before adding more to the love square between Punk, Bryan, Kane and AJ. The cold open has AJ breaking up with all three of them. Well, at least practicing in front of a mirror. The weird thing (yeah, the only weird thing) is that she says she can’t be with Kane because he’s a monster. Yeah, a monster that has already been married before.
Continuing the weekly GM routine, since Mick Foley was a face GM last week, this week we need a heel GM right? Enter Vickie Guerrero. Her first order of business? Getting right back into the love square with a three man elimination match between Bryan, Kane and Punk. Usually elimination matches have high stakes like a championship or a title shot. Do they win AJ here? Of course WWE has to get twitter involved in all this as well, telling the Universe to tweet who they want AJ to be with. By the way, there is an option to choose all three. I think it should be noted that they are all wearing the same colors as each other, (red and black) and so is AJ.
I’ve been watching the same three guys go against each other way too much in the last couple months (with seemingly another one coming at Money in the Bank), and I feel like the whole match is coming up with a reason to get Kane out of the ring to please the fans with a few minutes of Bryan versus Punk. Remember the whole reason he’s even involved in this at all is that Punk and Bryan kept tricking Kane to beat up the other one. He’s a walking plot device.
Punk and Bryan are teaming up quite a bit against Kane. But still the whole match seems geared toward keeping Kane out of it as much a possible and with good reason because the match highlights are once again between Punk and Bryan. Eventually Kane does get in there and is about to choke slam Punk before AJ finally comes in and repeats her act from last week, skipping around the ring to distract Kane, giving Punk the opening to hit a GTS and get the pin. Bryan however kicked Punk in the head, and winning the match. In his trash talk exiting the ring, Bryan made mention again that he made Punk tap, two months ago! Is that still something they are running with? Can they just book the I quit match already and be done with it? I’ve got my hopes set for Summerslam, but I’m not counting on it for no other reason that it would be awesome. Fine opener, but it’s really going to take a lot of steam out of their next PPV match (more than it already has) if we keep seeing the competitors fight each other every single week. They know there are other people on the roster right?
Backstage Alberto Del Rio is back to trying for a title shot (if he can stay healthy for it) by sweet talking Vickie Guerrero. How much power does a one week GM have exactly? Dolph Ziggler of course thinks he deserves a fourth shot at beating Sheamus, and Vickie decides to have them compete in a contract on a pole match to determine the number one contender. So once again Ziggler is facing another heel one on one. Face turn maybe? I hope not.
Big Show versus Brodus Clay up next. Michael Cole announced that Vickie Guerrero lifted the ban on Clay that John Laurinaitis set in place weeks ago. Didn’t Vince do that last week? Can we keep our stories in check please? In case you were wondering, Clay still has that
dopey funky entrance. I’m curious how they treat him after getting smacked around by Show a month ago. Brodus did skip all the funk nonsense during the match, but he also skipped most of the unbeatable thing too. He pretty much jobbed for Show, who made pretty short work of him for a guy who hadn’t lost a match until now. They’ll blame Clay’s knee injury on the loss, and he sold it pretty hard after the match ended too. He also had a nip slip. Good night for Brodus. It got even better when Big Show came back to hit a WMD on Clay as he was getting escorted out up the ramp during the break.
So now AJ is talking to the real Kane, and up to this point it could be the weirdest thing Kane has done since coming back. He tell’s AJ that he can’t be with her because he’s a monster and that he wears a mask (is Sin Cara a monster too?). AJ makes him feel things he’s never felt before, but he only finds pleasure in eviscerating people. After all that, Kane then says even he thinks she is crazy, and leaves. So is he a face now? Is he supposed to be a monster, even thought he just said he has feelings for her and is completely self aware? Has WWE creative thought of any of this when they were writing this nonsense?
You know how last week Jack Swagger lost to Dolph Ziggler and therefore lost Vickie Guerrero’s services? Well now Swagger is facing Santino for the US Championship, which is being defended for the first time since April 16th. What a joke. One side note, Cole and Lawler told us to check out the extreme measures Swagger had to go to in order to get this title shot granted by Vickie on WWE.com, but I’ll save you the trouble. He went on his knees and begged. That’s it. I don’t know why I even bothered to check it out. Santino wins blah blah blah, but I think I’ll take this time to bring up the announcement of a new show coming to ION in October, since this is the kind of match it may be showcasing. So not only will we be getting three hours of Raw, two hours of Smackdown, and eventually an entire network to watch. We’ll also be getting an additional show on Wednesday night’s starting in October. Essentially I imagine that this show will replace Superstars online. This would all make sense if they were showcasing more talent, but it looks like both Raw and Smackdown show mostly the same talent. This would never happen, but I think it would be great (and probably cheap) if they filmed the house shows each week and put the best of them on TV in one show. They are usually the same matches over and over again so picking the best version should be easy. Tell me that’s not a good idea.
John Cena in the ring to make the historical announcement that he tweeted earlier today and was promoted all night. Before saying anything else, GOOD GOD DOES THIS SUCK! John Cena spent what seemed like forever recapping his feud with Johnny and Show to the theme of the original Star Wars trilogy, and thank the lord Jericho came back from his suspension/tour with Fozzy to interrupt a waste of five minutes. Cena himself couldn’t even keep his composure, pulling a Jimmy Fallon over the whole thing. Anyway so Jericho is back, minus the light up jacket (don’t worry, still wearing leather), saying everything we were all thinking about Cena. Cena finally makes his dumb ass announcement that he’s entering the MITB match to stop show (and that he’s going to win the whole “fudging” thing). Well guess what, Jericho (still a heel it seems) is going to enter the ladder match as well. It’s pretty ridiculous by how much Cena gets outdone by Jericho in this promo.
Vickie comes out and announcers that there will be two MITB matches, one for each major championship (getting rid of the drama of who the winner will challenge). After Jericho references his suspension (sly devil) Vickie says that the competitors of the WWE Championship version of the MITB match will consist solely of former champions. So now the Money in the Bank match will include Kane, Big Show, Chris Jericho and John Cena. Apparently we went back ten years in the past. Maybe Shawn Michaels and Triple H will fill out the final two spots, Jim Ross can call the match and we can go back to this show being called Raw is War. The only good thing to come out of this is that CM Punk with face Daniel Bryan one on one for the title. By the way, Cena will take on Jericho later tonight. UGHHHHHHHHH
Say what you want about Heath Slater, but he’s been getting on TV a lot lately. He’s back again to take on a former Raw legend or whatever, and he’s going to run with his new one man band gimmick. It’s even his new entrance music, and it’s awesome. The only thing they did wrong was put music with the vocals. It needs to be a capella. Anyway would you believe that Psycho Sid came back to face him? Would you believe that he’s wearing regular jeans with knee pads and boots pulled over them? Would you also believe that he still has the same hairstyle that he had in the 80′s? I think we just founds another possibility for the MITB match.
Ziggler versus Del Rio time. I have to say I like the idea of heels facing each other more. Faces do it all the time and it adds more variety to the amount of matches possible. Not that they wouldn’t just repeat the same matches anyway, but it’s nice to know other options are out there. I honestly can’t remember the last time I saw a pole match that didn’t involve diva’s. Good to see the fellas get a shot at the pole (hehe). Crowd very pro Ziggler. A little too much climbing the pole and not enough wrestling for my taste. Although the samoan drop off the top rope was pretty cool. So in a skirmish the contract gets ripped off the pole by Ziggler but he never held it, and now both guys are fumbling around the contract that a bunch of idiots. In the middle of the whole thing, Sheamus comes out and says Vickie made a triple threat title match for Smackdown this week. So the match is over. What was the point of that? Why did they even have a match? Why do they keep wasting our time? Is this how they are going to fill three hours? Why am I asking so many questions this week? Do I expect them to be answered?
Divas. Bikinis. Vickie. Battle royal. AJ wins. Does YES chant. Moving on.
Forget everything I said about Jericho ditching the light up jacket. It’s back in full force for his match against Cena. First time in two years it has happened. We haven’t asked for it to return. Either way after a pretty good exchange of moves the Big Show comes out while Cena is in the Walls of Jericho and hits a leg drop on Cena. Match over via DQ, and Jericho exits to let Show do whatever he wants. Choke slam and a chokehold leave Cena unconscious to end the show. I thought Show was looking past Cena now? I guess wanting the title changes that.
The best thing about this week might be that Ryback was not seen at all. Too many other matches to not finish I guess. Let’s see if that continues next week, and perhaps we might get more old wrestlers in the MITB match as well. I must also make note of Charlie Sheen being social media ambassador or something for the 1000th Raw in a few weeks. I have no idea what that means, but Sheen has a show to promote so WWE will let him on.