Let’s be honest. Could there be any less excitement going into a Pay Per View?

You’re already bound to take a hit coming off the inevitable WrestleMania letdown. Then throw in all the names not scheduled to appear (including the concussed Dolph Ziggler) and you have a card built around a third Triple H/Brock Lesnar match (which Lesnar looks set to win since Triple H was booked as if he was the monster last week instead of Brock) and John Cena versus Ryback, which just isn’t doing it for anybody. The only saving grace seems to be the Shield on the verge of brining multiple titles into their stable (tag and US belts). Let’s see if that can make up for not having a World Heavyweight Championship match, although hopefully Dolph can steal the show again via twitter (SPOILER ALERT: he does not).

Extreme Rules starts off with a non Extreme Rules match as Chris Jericho takes on Fandango. I wonder if this time instead of a match a dance off will break out, going full circle from last week. I’m most curious if Jericho will put Fandango over again in back to back PPV’s. Fandango needs to be built as a legitimate wrestler (or they can just keep him as a gimmick) but how much can Jericho lose? Summer Rae comes out wearing essentially a cooking apron and nothing else. This better not be the highlight of the match. The match starts off with some grappling followed by Jericho slapping Fandango, who escapes the ring only to be pursued by Chris and hit with an elbow once he is chased by inside. A baseball slide and splash from the top rope has Jericho dominating early on. It’s a lot like their ‘Mania match. ‘Dango finally puts together some offense when he gets a boot up on Jericho running into the corner. He props Chris up on the second rope and hits him with a swinging kick from outside the ring. He lands a springboard legrop but can’t get the pin, and Jericho gets his signature move set going. He hits the running bulldog but can’t apply the Walls of Jericho. Chris hits a cross body splash from the top rope but Fandango rolls him over for a two count and again is in control. Jericho moves away from the top rope legdrop and hits the lionsault for two. Fandango gets thrown into the corner but jumps over Jericho to attempt a nice roll up, but Jericho counters with the Boston Crab. Fandango reaches the rope and takes Jericho down with another boot in the corner. Fandango goes to the top rope, but Jericho counters with a codebreaker and hands Fandango his first career defeat. Solid match. There was nothing overly impressive about it but both met did their thing. ‘Dango still hasn’t shown a whole lot of offense, but everything he did do was good enough. Jericho was Jericho. You know what you’re getting there.

Backstage Josh Matthews is asking Sheamus how he expects to drag Mark Henry around the ring in their strap match. Sheamus responds by saying he’s going to get “extreme” in the most perverted tone possible. This strap match is going to get “extreme”-ly rapey.

Believe in the Shield

Up next is Kofi Kingston putting his United States Championship on the line against Dean Ambrose. No way in hell Kofi walks out of here with the belt around his waist. Rollins and Reigns start to walk down with Ambrose, but turn around and let him go alone for the match. They start off with some mat wrestling and arm bars, with Dean holding the ropes to avoid running into Trouble in Paradise. Kingston goes on the offensive first with punches in the corner, but Ambrose responds quickly with a boot and a clothesline running out of the corner. From here Ambrose takes full control. He drags Kofi’s face against the rope (old school heel move) and drop kicks him for a two count. Dean then avoids a leaping attack from Kofi and applies a crossface chicken wing in the middle of the ring. Kingston gets out of it however and fights back with a mixture of boos. Pro Shield crowd. After a Boom drop Ambrose avoids the Trouble in Paradise but gets hit with an SOS for a two count. Dean then stops Kofi from coming off the top rope, hitting him with a full nelson superplex for a two count. Kofi counters Dean with a swinging kick followed by a springboard cross body splash. With Ambrose on the apron, Kofi hits him with Trouble in Paradise. Ambrose falls down to the floor however, and instead of letting Ambrose be counted out, Kofi drags him back in to pin him. Dean kicks out on two, then ducks away from Trouble in Paradise and hits with reverse DDT to win the United States Championship. I really enjoyed this match. Both men looked good and it had tempo and story the whole way. Ambrose is awesome.

Two matches through and we’re finally getting to the first non-traditional match of the evening with Sheamus and Mark Henry competing in an S&M match (otherwise known as a strap match). The idea is to drag your opponent to all four corners and touch them in succession (there are also lights at each corner to make it look more ridiculous). It’s never mentioned that the strap seems long enough to hit all four corners while your opponent is in the middle of the ring. Once the strap is tied to each man’s wrist, Sheamus snaps the strap into Henry’s face. Great White already playing games. Henry tries to stop him by putting his foot on the strap, so Sheamus yanks it and brings Mark down. Finally Henry pulls Sheamus in close (yikes!) and they start trading blows (YIKES!). Sheamus takes Henry down by attacking his legs and hits the first turnbuckle. Sheamus then walks to the next one but Henry pulls him back toward him and drops him with a clothesline. Henry then ties Sheamus’ legs together with the strap and tries dragging him around the ring. After two posts, Sheamus holds on to the bottom rope to stop Henry from reaching a third. Mark then clotheslines Sheamus outside the ring, so Sheamus starts running around the ring on the apron, and hits three turnbuckles before Henry pushes him back down to the floor. Back in the ring, Mark stars whipping Sheamus with the strap. Henry then carries Sheamus on his shoulder, going to the corners. Sheamus however hits every corner at the same time Henry does, and after three corners they both only need to hit one more (somehow this doesn’t count against one man hitting all three in a row). Henry realizes this at the last minute thanks to the lights going off and drops Sheamus to negate it. With Mark turned away from Sheamus, Sheamus yanks the strap while it is between Henry’s legs (SAFETY WORD!). Sheamus hits a running double axe handle and goes on the offensive, hitting Henry with the strap. Sheamus then hits three corners before Henry gets up, leading to an awkward confrontation into a spinebuster to stop Sheamus. Now outside the ring, Sheamus wraps Mark around the ringpost, kicking him in the head and pulling Henry into the post. Back in the ring, Sheamus hits three corners and has Henry right in the way of the fourth. Sheamus tries to jump over him to the corner but Henry catches him and tries to hit the World’s Strongest Slam. Sheamus leaps out of his however and hits the Brogue Kick, giving him the opening to hit the final corner and win the match. Aside from a few moments this was kind of a dud. It’s just such a goofy match. The end was a bit rough too.

Backstage, AJ is on the phone with Dolph when Kaitlyn finds her. AJ and Dolph play the “you hang up first” game when Kaitlyn says that Vickie informed her that AJ said she was too distraught over Ziggler’s concussion to wrestle (does this mean no AJ match? bummer). AJ starts talking smack about the secret admirer which may or may not exist, which Kaitlyn tries to respond to by saying at least she isn’t dating the Coppertone baby. This got no reaction because nobody who watching wrestling knows who that is (FYI: it’s this). Kaitlyn then calls her Looney Tunes (which is code for crazy) which starts to set AJ off (it’s like someone calling Marty McFly a chicken). AJ dares her to call her than one more time, but instead Kaitlyn does a Porky Pig impression and runs off (kind of heelish). AJ then says that it’s fitting for Kaitlyn to impersonate a pig (OH SNAP!) and Kaitlyn goes off and attacks AJ. The Bellas and Tamina (who is holding a banana for some reason) watch and laugh while the refs break it up.

I Quit match next between Jack Swagger and Alberto Del Rio to determine the number one contender to Dolph Ziggler’s World Heavyweight Championship (at least Ziggler will definitely hold on to his title past tonight). Zeb Colter walks Swagger down the ramp to talk about real American’s and how there are too many foreigners playing baseball, and that rooting for Del Rio means you turned your back on America. It really went on for a long time, ending with Zeb saying that after Jack wins they are going to hunt Dolph Ziggler (not a foreigner). Ricardo then gets introduced in spanish, so that he can introduce Del Rio in spanish. The english only audience might have no idea who is in the ring. Seconds into the match Alberto clotheslines Swagger over the top rope and leaps through the ropes to attack him. Swagger then hits a belly to belly suplex ont the outside floor. The ref then keeps asking Del Rio if he wants to quit, which Alberto of course says “No” to. Del Rio then drives Swagger into the steel steps. The ref asks these guys every five seconds if they want to quit. It’s ridiculously irritating. Swagger starts using a kendo stick and we finally have some Extreme Rules type action. Meanwhile, the crowd is chanting for Ziggler and I couldn’t agree more. This match sucks. Del Rio gets tied up into the ropes and asked if he wants to quit every time he gets hit with a kendo stick. Del Rio then yells “NOOOO” each time like a kid being told to eat his veggies. Del Rio then applies the armbreaker on Swagger while hanging on the top rope, only broken up when Jack punches Alberto in the head to send him to the floor. Swagger grabs a chair (ignoring a guy in a Hulk Hogan shirt who yells “Jack Swagger, you’re not a real American!”) but gets hit with an enziguri on the way back in. Del Rio then starts to come back, hitting the tilt-a-wirl back breaker and side kick to the face, yet Swagger won’t quit! Del Rio then goes to work on Jack with the kendo stick on the ropes and hits a back stabber. Del Rio then calls for the arm breaker but Swagger escapes it and hits a power slam and a Swagger Bomb and a gut wrench power bomb. Del Rio says he doesn’t quit and gets hit with another gut wrench power bomb. For some reason he doesn’t go for the ankle lock. Del Rio then sneaks in an arm breaker but Swagger reverses it and finally locks in the Patriot Lock. Swagger clinches the hold in the middle of the ring and Ricardo grabs the white towel. Del Rio tells him not to throw it (how convenient that he had it) but while the ref is watching Del Rio, Colter grabs the white towel and throws it in the ring and the ref gives the match the Swagger thinking it was Ricardo giving up for Alberto. Doesn’t that go against the “I quit” rules? Anyway before I can talk about how I’m surprised that they would set up a heel versus heel title match another ref runs in to reveal what happened. The official asks for a replay of the match (take that MLB!) and says that if Del Rio can continue than the match will continue. Del Rio gets up and Swagger attacks him as soon as the bell rings again. Del Rio hits a side kick to Swagger’s arm out of nowhere and applies the cross arm breaker. Swagger looks like he is going to break out of it but Alberto powers Jack back down, and Swagger is forced to say “I quit.” Decent ending to a match that didn’t hold my attention too much. The idea of using replay in a match should mean that all dirty finishes are abolished. That won’t be the case of course, but now I get to complain about how they didn’t go to replay every time a heel gets away with something. Should managers get challenge flags now?

Let’s go to the video tape

Backstage, Josh Matthews is talking to Ryback who says he tells the truth while Cena is a liar. Apparently Cena lies because he thinks he is going to win and Ryback isn’t the champion because people play by different rules, but Ryback rules tonight. Or something. Is it weird that I kind of miss him talking about food?

Time for Rollins and Reigns to claim the tag team championships as they face Kane and Daniel Bryan in a tornado tag team match. Ambrose is nowhere to be seen as the rest of the Shield heads toward the ring. The Shield starts off in control with Reigns taking on Kane and Rollins fighting Bryan in opposing corners. Kane hits a running DDT though as Bryan does his summersault over Rollins into a jumping clothesline and a mexican surfboard, with Kane clocking Seth with a big boot while still in the surfboard. Pretty strong start. Rollins and Reigns then start fighting back, working over Bryan before hitting a double suplex on Kane. Rollins puts Bryan on Reigns shoulders on the top rope, presumably for a super power bomb, but Bryan pulls off a hurricarana to send Roman back to the floor. Kane then grabs both Shield members by the throat to shove them out of the ring. Back in the ring, Kane hits a sidewalk slam on Reigns while Daniel hits an elbow drop at the same time. They both hit top rope moves on Rollins but the pin is stopped by Roman. What followed was my favorite sequence of the show to this point. Bryan tries to apply and NO Lock to Reigns. Rollins tries to run in to stop it but Kane guards the ropes to keep him out (he looked like Dikembe Mutombo defending in the paint). Seth then pulls Kane’s throat onto the rope and hits a springboard axe handle to break the hold. Kane then hits Rollins with a choke slam but Reigns hits Kane with a spear. Great spot. Reigns tries to revive Rollins, who is knocked out outside the ring. Roman then tries attacking Bryan but Kane steps in and tries to hit a chokeslam. Seth gets up and hits Kane with a flying knee to he head, followed by a Reigns spear but Bryan stops the count at two. Daniel then starts hitting Reigns with kicks, but misses on the round house and ends up getting sling shotted into the corner. Roman then puts Bryan on hits shoulders for Rollins to knock down with a flying knee off the top rope, pinning Bryan to win the tag team championships. Ambrose runs out to celebrate with his boys, and each member of the Shield now has a belt around his waist. Pretty cool stuff. The Shield needed something like this to go to the next level and they have done just that. Match of the night so far. Bonus points to Kane and Bryan for looking good in defeat. I’m sure they’ll have a rematch coming up soon.

BELIEVE IN THE SHIELD!

Quick callback to the preshow match which saw the Miz beat Cody Rhodes with a figure four. After seeing the highlights, I’m not very inclined to go back and watch it.

Big Show up next for an Extreme Rules match against Randy Orton, who is in his home town of St. Louis. The start with Randy using his speed to evade Show (and tell the hometown crowd to get loud) before Big Show finally lands a headbutt and takes things outside. Orton then grabs a kendo stick (weapon of choice so far) and tries to chop Show down. Show drops Orton with one blow however and breaks the kendo stick over his knee. Orton then grabs another kendo stick and attacks the knees, before Show breaks that stick as well. Show then lands a couple of big chops on Orton and looks to drive his head into the steel post, but Randy escapes and pushes Show into the post instead. Orton then pulls out a ladder but Big Show kicks it into Randy’s face. Back in the ring it’s all Big Show. He throws Orton into the post and works the left arm. Orton then ducks under a clothesline and hits a dropkick to bring Show down. Randy then gets Show in the corner but Show chokeslammed Randy for a two count. Big Show then gets a ladder and two chairs in the ring and it finally looks like the name of the PPV is going to come into play. Show lays the ladder across the two chairs and hits a sidewalk slam on the mat before laying Orton on the ladder. Show then goes to hit a Swagger Bomb but Orton moves away and Show is down. Orton then drops Show with a top rope DDT and taunts the RKO. He hits it but Big Show kicks out on two and escapes the ring. Orton then pulls out a chair and starts hitting Show in the back outside the ring. Back inside, Orton looks to hit him again but Show answers with a spear, laying them both out. Orton then hits Show with a second RKO onto the chair which was on the mat. With Big Show down, Randy moves back, taunts the punt and hits it! That move was banned! It got a huge pop and Orton got the win. Nobody saw that coming. I’m sure it helped that it was in front of his home crowd, but I haven’t seen Orton look this good in a while.

It seems that CM Punk isn’t the only one who can complain about not main eventing because the WWE Championship match is not main eventing Extreme Rules. John Cena will defend his title against Ryback in a last man standing match now, meaning that Triple H versus Brock Lesnar will close the show. I’m pretty surprised. Who does this benefit? I see the short term boost but long term what is the point? Who is better for this feud a month from now when neither man is on TV? I really don’t get it. Anyway on to the match. They start with Ryback overpowering Cena and acting more like the Ultimate Warrior than Goldberg. Cena then hits a bulldog but Ryback doesn’t sell it and clotheslines Cena. So now Ryback is invincible again? This is the same guy who has never won a PPV against a regular opponent right? Cena tries to attack Ryback from the top rope but he gets caught in mid air and spun around into a power slam. The announcers meanwhile are still trying to sell Cena’s ankle injury, with Cole bringing up how Cena keeps getting up on the other leg.  Ryback hit a pull up power bomb and yell “Ryback Rules.” Cena pulls himself up on seven and pulls down the ropes to send the rushing Ryback outside the ring. Cena brings a table into the ring and then tries for an AA. Ryback escapes it however and lifts up Cena, dropping him on his jaw. Ryback then props up the table in the corner. Ryback then catches Cena jumping into him, and hurls John through the table with a fallaway slam. Cena gets up on eight and evades Ryback running in on him to set up a five knuckle shuffle to jeers from a crowd that doesn’t like Ryback or Cena. It’s amazing how Cena’s moves devolve over time. All he tries to do now his hit an AA or the five knuckle shuffle whenever possible. It just looks bad. Anyway Cena goes for the AA but Ryback escapes it again and hits a spear. Ryback clears the ring of furniture goes for a powerbomb. Cena reverses it however and hits a powerbomb on Ryback, who just barely gets up on eight only to fall down again. Cena jumps into Ryback as he gets up and tries to squeeze the life out of his head (it looked a lot like when AJ jumps into someone’s arms). Ryback started to go down but powered out of it and hit a meathook clothesline. Cena got up on nine and ducked under a second clothesline to apply the STF. Ryback looks to go to sleep and the ref starts counting. Cena brings in a table and Ryback gets up to throw Cena’s face into the mat. Ryback calls for Shell Shock but Cena escapes it and hits the AA through the table. Cena gets up on seven and Ryback gets up on nine (drat, I was kind of hoping that was it). Cena then climbs to the top rope and Ryback grabs him to hit Shell Shock.

Doesn’t sell clotheslines, sells smoke

Now it’s Cena getting up on nine and Ryback grabs a chair outside the ring in an attempt to take out Cena’s ankle. John kicks Ryback away and spears him through the barrier in the time keeper’s area. Both men get up on seven and the fighting goes to the crowd. Now it is getting like the Kane/Cena match I hated so much. Ryback pulls up a piece of the hockey boards out and hits Cena with it. John then applies a sleeper hold which brings Ryback down until eight. Cena puts Ryback on a table and climbs to the seats about five feet above the table and jumps into it. There was barely any reaction to what I’m sure they were hoping was a big spot. It would have been more impactful if he did it from the top rope into the ring. Ryback gets up and Cena starts spraying him with a fire extinguisher, which Ryback actually sells (it’s kind of like this). He then clocks Cena with it but Ryback gets up, escapes an AA and drives Cena through the electric stage wall. Okay, that was pretty cool. The ref now has to go back with a cameraman and find them. Going behind the stage, we find Cena and Ryback both totally knocked out, being worked on by the medical staff. Ryback walks away with some help while Cena leaves the arena on a stretcher. So we get a non-finish to a mostly crap match and a very angry crowd who sat through this debacle and got no payoff. Very lame. This all means that we’ll probably get Cena versus Ryback again next month and this all just reeks of horrible. I want the money I didn’t pay back.

Technically Cena should have lost since he wasn’t standing

At worst, we will at least have a winner to the Triple H/Lesnar cage match right? We’ll find out now as Brock comes to the ring with Paul Heyman at his side. He doesn’t even get into the cage before Triple H attacks him from behind. He doesn’t even have his entrance music. I already like this match. Triple H throws Brock into the barrier and knocks out Heyman, then finally pulling Brock into the cage and hitting him with a chop off the top rope and continuing the assault by throwing him into the cage and hitting a spinebuster. Just a minute into the match he goes for a pedigree but Brock fights it off and hurls Triple H into the cage. Lesnar then goes on he offensive, driving the back of Hunter’s head into the cage. He does this for about a minute until Triple H fights back and we get something resembling a wrestling match. Kneelift from Hunter, german suplex from Brock and we’re back to Lesnar throwing Triple H into the cage. The crowd is just starting to lose interest when Triple H dodges Lesnar jumping into him and Brock injures his knee against the cage. He yells at Heyman that he hurt his knee and Paul tells him to power through it. Lesnar then hits a power slam and scream in agony over the injury. Triple H sees it and starts working the knee. Triple H goes for a Pedigree but Lesnar locks in the Kimura lock. Triple H gets out of it by attacking the knee and Brock lays out Triple H with a clothesline. Brock tries to walk toward the cage door but can’t move fast enough and Triple H takes hit leg out from under him. Triple H then goes for the door but Heyman slams the door in his face, giving Lesnar the opening to hit a wobbly F-5 for a two count. The injury is throwing a nice wrinkle in the match, making you kind of get behind the injured Lesnar.

insert Peter Gabriel lyric here

Brock has Heyman give him a chair and he goes to work on Triple H with it. He tells Heyman that his knee is hurt bad and he’s not sure if he can go on. Heyman tells him to shake it off and Brock’s knee buckles as he goes for a second F-5. Triple H then starts hitting Brock in the leg with the chair, then using elbow drops as both Brock and Heyman beg him to stop. Brock then applies a Kimura lock again, which is broken when Triple H drives him into the corner and drops his knee onto Lesnar’s leg. Triple H then applies the figure four leglock in the middle of the ring but Brock doesn’t tap, instead rolling it over at the advice of Heyman. Brock then tries to climb the cage with one leg, almost getting over when Triple H hits the bad leg with the chair. Triple H then pulls Lesnar down pulls a hidden sledgehammer from the top of the cage. Before he can use it though, Lesnar pulls him down to the mat. Brock then takes the sledgehammer and goes to use it. Triple H ducks out of it though and applies the Sharpshooter. Lesnar still doesn’t tap, and Paul Heyman runs into the cage to try to break the hold. Triple H gets up, hits a Pedigree on Heyman, then dodges a sledgehammer swing from Lesnar to hit a Pedigree on him too, yet Brock kicks out on two! How can you not be pulling for Lesnar now? He’s been the underdog since the opening bell, and even back to last week’s Raw. Triple H grabs the sledgehammer but Heyman hits a low blow from behind. Lesnar then makes it to the sledgehammer and knocks out Triple H. Hobbled, Lesnar pulls up an unconscious Triple H and hits a big F-5 on him to win the match via pinfall. Much much much better match that I thought I would see. Seeing the bad guy play the underdog the entire way made for a much more interesting match than I thought I would see, and Brock was brought all the way back to monster status. If you were going to have these guys face off again, this was a great way to do it. After the match, Lesnar laid the sledgehammer on Triple H’s chest and limped back to the stage.

The final match was almost enough to make up for the Cena/Ryback match. Overall it was wasn’t a bad card. The Shield was the story of the night as they won some titles and looked good doing it. The finishes somewhat saved Orton and Del Rio’s matches and the rest of the undercard was fine. That Cena/Ryback match really killed the show though. That and no Ziggler. Oh man did I miss Ziggler.

The last image of the show was Triple H being helped up the ramp looking all defeated while his music played. At least we know he and Lesnar won’t be facing off again for a while. Maybe if Cena and Ryback make the only rematch, next month’s Payback PPV can be saved.

Good grief that was a bad match.

After John Cena’s heel injury temporarily put the WWE Championship match against Ryback in doubt, the absolute worst case scenario happened last week as Dolph Ziggler, YOUR World Heavyweight Champion, suffered a concussion from a Jack Swagger kick to the face (“Classic Swaggs” said Ziggler) leaving the Triple Threat Ladder Match for the WHC in serious jeopardy. So with Extreme Rules less than a week away, we currently have no Punk, no Undertaker, no Rock, and potentially no Dolph Ziggler (he’d steal the show from home tonight via twitter). Hey at least Triple H and Brock Lesnar are going to square off again. Gotta see that! Right? Right?

Wiping the floor with him!

So how do we start a go home show leading into the first PPV after WrestleMania? With a dance off of course! Jerry Lawler gets in the ring to introduce Fandango and Chris Jericho.  At least it was announced that they will have an actual match, with wrestling and stuff, at Extreme Rules. Lawler had to explain the feud to us from start to finish, with Fandango’s win at WrestleMania to Jericho being on Dancing With the Stars. The first surprise came from Lawler actually announcer Summer Rae as Fandango’s partner. This is even better as the news leaked that Summer is the replacement dance partner for the days the preferred dancer (also known as the brunette chick) can’t make it. Seriously, if she can’t free up Monday’s on her calendar what is the point of having her at all? Jericho comes out with Edyta Sliwinska from DWTS (Google FTW) and to risk getting in trouble with the wife, I’m suddenly A LOT more interested in this segment. Lawler tries to keep it in his pants as he explains the rules and how the fans will vote on the winner. Lawler points out that this is not a popularity contest and that they want the fans to vote based on dance skills alone. Fandango kind of talks like he is trying to hypnotize whoever he is talking to. Jericho compares this dance off to when he won the musical chairs contest and the Price is Raw and works in some trash talk about dancing all over Fandango’s face at Extreme Rules. With that. the dance off starts. Fandango goes first and after his music hits Fandango refuses to dance. He says he needs silence to create a masterpiece and they actually give it to him! So he starts his routine and Summer Rae falls down after about ten seconds with an “ankle injury.” Fandango gets pissed starts to walk out as Jericho and Edyta check on Summer. Fandango then jumps back in the ring and attacks Jericho from behind. Running boot leads to a beat down and an irish whip into the steel steps and barrier. The whole time the medic is still checking out Summer’s ankle, totally oblivious of everything else, including Jericho getting hit in the face with the parquet dance floor set up in the ring. Fandango gets back in the ring and stares at Summer, who pops back up on her feet and gets dipped as we have all been duped. Duped into spending 20 minutes watching this nonsense. Worst part is that this whole feud is based on Jericho being bitter over being beaten at WrestleMania. What a cry baby.

I’d love to say the first match of the night is next but it reality it’s just another beatdown as Ryback takes on Zack Ryder. It’s a 100% squash match as Ryder has zero offense in a 1 minute match. Couldn’t Edyta hang around for a little longer?

the kid!!! @zackryder hes serious bro!and his opponent….the ryback?OH NO!!! run zack!!!! RUN!!!

— Dolph Ziggler (@HEELZiggler) May 14, 2013

So what would the first competitive match be? Tons of Funk versus the Prime Time Players. Good lord this show sucks right now. Young gets knocked around by Tensai who then gets worked over by O’Neil until Brodus Clay comes in to hit a splash and a headbutt.  Darren Young jabs Brodus with his hair pick however and Titus rolls up Clay from behind to give the win to the Prime Time Players. This match was only competitive in that both sides had offense. It was almost over as quickly as the Ryback match.

Matt Striker on the stage to call out Smackdown Assistant GM Teddy Long. He announces that Ziggler is unable to compete at Extreme Rules. WHAT! This is a disaster. I don’t even know what to do anymore. Swagger and Zeb Colter say Jack should get the title because he knocked Dolph out. Big E and AJ come out to say Swagger should be suspended (AJ even says “Classic Swaggs”). Teddy informs them that since Dolph can’t go, Del Rio and Swagger with face off in an I Quit match at Extreme Rules to determine the number one contender for the World Heavyweight Championship. It’s a shame that it took Ziggler getting concussed for a match I thought was a no brainer to happen, as it will be the Patriot Lock against the Cross Armbreaker. Meanwhile, Big E will face either Del Rio or Swagger tonight, with the choice left in the hands of the WWE Universe. I don’t even know if I want to keep watch this Raw. We’ve had an attempted dance off, two stupid quick matches and the announcement that Dolph Ziggler will not be at Extreme Rules. If the next segment puts Cesaro and Sandow in a career vs. career match I’m done with wrestling for a while.

tell em, babe!!! @WWEAJLee

#classicSwags

#raw—
Dolph Ziggler (@HEELZiggler) May 14, 2013

Unites States Champion Kofi Kingston out next against Sandow (no, Damien’s career is not on the line). Kofi has been put into a match against Dean Ambrose for the US title. Looks like the Shield is going to start getting hardware. Sadly Sandow does not sing a rendition of Kofi’s theme like he did with Orton, because his song is too foolish. Instead, Damien says that Kofi’s title reign will soon come to an end. The match starts with Kofi applying a school boy for a quick two count before Sandow kicked out and started working Kingston over with a flurry of knees into a Russian leg sweep and the elbow of disdain. Sandow then applies the abdominal stretch (my favorite wrestling move!) but Kofi reverses it into a stretch of his own to lead into his signature moves. Kofi hits the Boom Drop but Damien ducks under a moonsault. Sandow hits a running neck breaker but Kofi escapes a suplex to hit Trouble in Paradise for the win. Best match of the night by far to this point but that obviously isn’t saying much. The TiP looked a little sloppy, taking too long to develop. Solid match overall though.

Mark Henry next in the ring to talk about his upcoming strap match against Sheamus. To explain it, highlights of JBL’s strap match against Eddie Guerrero from the Great American Bash from who knows how long ago were shown. Henry held a strap as they showed the buildup to the match as well as Henry dragging trucks attached to his back. Mark Henry then makes Josh Matthews tie the strap to his wrist, and Mark Henry pushes him down and drags him to all four corners, basically explaining the rules to the world. Henry lets him go as Josh runs off and JBL calls Josh an idiot for putting the strap on in the first place. Henry then calls out Sheamus so he can continue the beating he gave him last week. Mark says he won’t come out because he knows where his bread is buttered (what?) when Sheamus does come out (I guess his bread will go unbuttered). Sheamus says he doesn’t think it is a fair fight right now with Henry holding a strap. Henry calls him scared and Sheamus decides to come to the ring. Before he does however, he goes under the ring to retrieve a strap he left there for this exact occasion. The two start whacking each other for a second until Henry gets slapped out of the ring. Mark limps away as Sheamus holds both straps and screams like a giant Irish guy holding two leather straps. Best overall story development for what could be a totally boring match.

shamus a coward???
hes stealing my gimmick!!!

JK JK no one could

#arse #fella #lumpy #newpope—
Dolph Ziggler (@HEELZiggler) May 14, 2013

Since Sandow had to job to Kofi earlier, my other favorite misused heel Antonio Cesaro gets to job to Randy Orton. The match starts slow with a lot of clutching and mud stomps from each man. Cesaro hits the first big blow with a running uppercut but then it’s back to the chin lock. Orton then hits a kick to the face and hits his signature clotheslines. Cesaro holds on to the rope in an attempt to avoid the scoop slam but Orton hits it anyway. Antonio then avoids the second rope DDT and applies a quick roll up pin, but Orton kicks out on two and immediately hits an RKO to win the match. Better ending than the Kofi match, it was just a little rough getting there. Still waiting for a match with the result in question.

That won’t happen next as the Miz makes his return from filming his newest movie to face Heath Slater. Miz will face Cody Rhodes on the Extreme Rules preshow. Miz is Mr. YouTube Preshow. Miz cycles through all of his moves, only losing momentum when Jinder distracts Miz long enough for Slater to take advantage. Miz doesn’t need much time to pick up where he left off, hitting the knee lift and jumping corner clothesline. Slater avoided the figure four by getting to the ropes, but then got attacked when trying to go to the top rope. Mahal  and McIntyre tried to assist so Miz threw Slater off the top rope into them. Back in the ring, Miz dropped Slater and applied the figure four to win. Typical Miz-card.

Main event match up in the dead middle of the show as Kane, Daniel Bryan and John Cena take on the Shield in a tag team elimination match (six man tag with Survivor Series rules). The show closer will be Brock Lesnar and Triple H staring at each other in the ring. Another match was announced for Extreme Rules as Team Hell No will defend their Tag Team Championships against Seth Rollins and Roman Reigns. It looks like the Shield is in position to hold multiple belts by the end of Extreme Rules. I had heard that Ziggler, AJ and Langston could do the same thing with the WHC, Divas and US or IC Belt. I doubt both would happen at the same time, so I’m assuming it’s the Shield that will be bogarting Championships.

This…again

The tag match starts with Kane against Ambrose. They trade blows until Kane takes charge and tags in Bryan, who pulls out an arm hold I can’t name. Dean gets out and Seth Rollins runs in only to get hit with a toe drag by Bryan and then gets worked over by a freshly tagged Cena. Back from break, Bryan is giving Ambrose the Mexican Surfboard. It’s all faces as Kane and Bryan use quick tags to control the match. Ambrose pushes Bryan into the Shield’s corner to regain the momentum behind Roman Reigns. Bryan gets singled out to take the bumps, hitting him with the quick back to back dropkicks. Ambrose reminds me a lot of Todd, the little brother in Wedding Crashers. Bryan hits a running knee and reaches Bryan on a hot tag. He cleans house hits a running DDT on Ambrose and throws Dean and Seth out of the ring. With all of the Shield outside the ring, Kane starts losing his composure, attacking the three of them against the steps and barrier. When he starts using parts of the announce table as a weapon, Kane gets disqualified and therefore eliminated from the match. So now Cena is in the ring against Roman Reigns and is taking a beating. Reigns hits a superman punch (yeah, he sure did) from a three point stance for a two count. Cena then blocks a suplex into a suplex of his own. Reigns tags Rollins however who hits a flying knee to the face before John can tag out. Seth locks in a sleeper hold but Cena walks to his corner with Rollins on his back to tag Daniel. Bryan runs into the Sheild’s corner and dropkicks Ambrose and Reigns. Bryan then does a backflip over Rollins and dives through the ropes to take out Roman. Bryan then hits a missle dropkick for a two count on Rollins. Great sequence from Bryan. He nailed every move. Daniel starts working Rollins over with kicks and tries to apply the NO Lock. Ambrose sneaks a tag in a hits Bryan with his reverse DDT thingie to pin and eliminate Bryan. So now it is Cena against all of the Shield. John psyches himself up and runs at Ambrose, but the numbers become too much a the Shield starts taking over. Cena fights back, taking out Ambrose and Reigns to hit the five moves of doom on Rollins. He goes for the Attitude Adjustment but Dean and Roman run in. Cena throws them both out of the ring and hits the AA to pin and eliminate Seth. Cena then goes to do the same to Ambrose but he holds on to the rope long enough for Reigns to run through the ref and spear Cena. Reigns gets eliminated for his actions and its down to Cena versus Ambrose. John applies the STF but the other Shield members run in and attack Cena. The match ends in a DQ but the Shield hits Cena with a triple power bomb. A great match but a terrible finish, as you could have had Ryback or another Shield member distract Cena and have it end with an actual finish. Bryan was the clear MVP of this match. After the bell, Ryback came out and stared at the downed Cena. Ryback then started to walk away but then stopped, grabbed a chair and smashed it into Cena’s “injured” ankle. So the story of the match is set up, but I just want to know why Ryback left the ring to make it seem like he wasn’t going to do anything. Very confused by that part. They want to get people into this match so bad but it just isn’t happening. Backstage, Ryback said that for the last year he played by “their rules” (not sure who “they” are) and that he’s done with it and something something “Ryback rules.”

Dolph Ziggler is replaced by Ricardo Rodriguez?

Big E out next to face either Jack Swagger or Alberto Del Rio based on a fan vote. Swagger wins with 65% of the vote which is probably the more interesting match. They start off back running into each other with neither man giving ground. They stare each other down, showing for the first time how much taller Swagger is than Langston. Big E looks a lot weaker when he’s looking up at a guy like that. Regardless of that, Short E takes control after the break, hitting a series of back breakers and spears into he corner. Jack dodgers another spear and connects on a Swagger Bomb for a two count. Langston comes back with a running boob shot and hits a superplex for another two count. Big E preps or the Big Ending but Swagger escapes and takes out Langston’s leg. Jack applies the Patriot Lock but has to break when Big E reaches the rope and tosses Swagger over the top rope. Big E goes outside and throws Jack into the outside barrier. Langston then leaps at Swagger, who ducks to send Langston over the wall into the floor seats. Swagger gets back in the ring to win the match via count out. Pretty good booking there. The celebration is short lived as Del Rio comes out to attack Swagger. Swagger fights back and applies the Patriot Lock. Ricardo hits him with his bucket but Swagger just gets angry and goes after him. Alberto used the distraction to apply the arm breaker which is only broken when Langston attacks Del Rio. Del Rio then hits Big E with an enziguri to send him out of the ring, and throws Swagger out as well to get the ring to himself. I’m fine with the I Quit match, but I can’t deal with a Ziggler-less PPV.

That match is followed by a Divas match with way too many moving parts on paper. In the ring, a bored looking AJ is set to face Natalya. The Bellas are on one side of the announce table while Kaitlyn is on the other. At the same time, Khali and Hornswaggle are standing five feet away like they have a restraining order to abide by. Too much going on. So much that Cole forgot Natalya and Khali were a thing. Natalya cuts off AJ’s skipping to attack her while Kaitlyn gets another gift from her “secret admirer.” The whole time the Bellas and Kaitlyn are bickering like dopes. It’s now starting to look more and more like it’s the Bellas playing a trick on her. This week’s gift is Simpsons trivia. Is that the only thing she is into besides spiked hats? AJ slaps Natalya in case anyone was interested, and Natalya responds by pushing AJ off the apron, seemingly knocking her out cold. AJ plays possum just like she did to win her title shot. When Natalya lifted her up for a backbreaker, AJ spun into some type of submission move called the black widow, which causes Natalya to tap out by slapping AJ’s ass (best. move. ever.).

Yes please

Time for the Triple H/Lesnar face off. It’s kind of sad that the whole show is built around two guys not having a match. Triple H comes out first and a steel cage lowers around him. He starting talking about all the same stuff he’s been talking about every time he speaks now. He wants to fight. He loves being in the ring. Ripped flesh, blood, bones. He’s going to beat up the guy he is facing. After saying he feels at home when he’s in a ring surrounded by steel, Brock and Paul Heyman make their appearance. Heyman starts to talk but Triple H cuts him off, saying nobody wants to hear it (funny, that’s what I’d say about him instead). Heyman starts talking about how the WWE isn’t supposed to use words like “hate” which Triple H uses so freely toward Lesnar. Paul says Brock will show him the meaning of “hate” after the match because Triple H will hate facing his family and father-in-law and being a loser. Heyman brought up that Lesnar is a caged animal, which leads to his MMA fighting. I can’t believe that hasn’t been brought up before. He had a great run fighting in cages. Now he’s doing the same. They start to leave when Triple H shouts out at them, saying that Heyman won’t let Lesnar fight until Extreme Rules because Triple H beat him at WrestleMania, and if Triple H beats him again then his mystique is gone. Triple H says that while Lesnar thinks he’s the baddest man on the planet, Heyman doesn’t think so anymore. For that reason, Triple H decides to stop talking to Heyman and only talk to Brock. He says Brock can come to the ring and act like a beast, or listen to Heyman and act like a bitch (ooooh). Brock then heads down the ramp and despite Heyman and three referees best efforts, Lesnar steps  into the cage and they trade blows. They go back and forth until Brock hits a German suplex. Triple H then sends Brock into the cage and then throws him through the door into Heyman. With the crowd chanting “Triple H,” Brock pulls up Heyman and they leave. The best parts of the build up to their matches has been the brawls they’ve had on Raw right before them.

My only real issue with the Triple H/Lesnar match is that we’ve already seen it twice. I think all feuds should either end or start at WrestleMania. Otherwise it takes away from the whole event. We’re seeing two direct rematches of ‘Mania. No need for it. Having said that, is there any way Lesnar isn’t going to win on Sunday now? The only issue is where they go form there. I’d love for Lesnar to fight someone on the fulltime roster that would actually benefit from facing him. Sheamus or Barrett would make the most sense but how much fun could it be to have him take on pure wrestlers like Bryan or Cesaro. These would be interesting matches that couldn’t be so easily predicted. Why is that the case? Because I haven’t already seen it twice in the last year.

I’m so likewarm on the rest of the card that I can’t even talk about it right now. I’m just in a daze after the Dolph Ziggler news.

lots of (203) calls
skipping them, obvs
if this is my last day at @WWE
this is exactly how i want to go out
haha
#raw—
Dolph Ziggler (@HEELZiggler) May 14, 2013

I need time to cope.

This week, Raw got started a little early as Paul Heyman started tweeting about how Brock Lesnar was going to send a message. That was then followed by WWE.com (you number one source for all things that the WWE wants to tell you) reported that Brock had attacked Triple H’s office (that’ll show him) in Stamford, Connecticut. Don’t spoil anything for us guys.

The actual show starts by teasing the tweets I just teased, followed by John Cena running into the ring. He only has a couple more weeks to sell us on his match with Ryback that nobody wants to see. He uses mockery of Daniel Bryan to announce that “YES” the match against Ryback will still go on, and “NO” being in the main event last night with a bum ankle was a bad idea. He also uses this time to throw in a Fandango reference (I thought the WWE was ignoring that now?). Just as Cena was finishing things up Vickie Guerrero comes out to remind us what matches are going to be at Extreme Rules. She goes through all the stipulations of the card’s other matches before calling out Ryback to discuss the stipulation in Cena and Ryback’s match. I don’t like this segment but I was wondering if they were going to add any stips to the WWE Championship match. Cena takes a jab at Ryback by saying the winner should be the first one to run away like a little girl and does his best impression the hungry man before ultimately saying he didn’t care what stipulation was added. Ryback cuts a meh promo about how Cena’s Achilles heel is his actual Achilles heel, and decides to make their clash at Extreme Rules a Last Man Standing match. To say that there was no reaction to this would be an understatement. The crowd practically fell asleep for an announcement that was supposed to shake Cena and be a big deal. Ryback walked off with a strut, Cena looked worried, and nobody gave a damn.

The first match of the night puts Randy Orton against Damien Sandow, who is finally on TV after being left off last week. Randy lost to Sandow on Smackdown due to interference from the Big Show, so this is a revenge match. Sandow comes out singing a parody of Orton’s entrance music and it was nothing short of awesome. Damien is the best. With Ziggler now a headliner he is easily my underused wrestler of choice. Orton takes full control from the start, tossing Sandow around the outside of the ring, continuing the beating on the inside. Sandow somehow took control over the break but it didn’t last long as Randy corpses during a chin lock before breaking out to hit his signature sequence, which is now starting to include the dropkick on the opponent coming down off the top rope. Second rope DDT, RKO, win for Orton. All Randy all the way as he gets built up going into the PPV. After the match, Orton was knocked out by Big Show on the stage, but you wouldn’t know it because the camera stayed on the announcers for too long. A replay showed that Big Show blind sided Orton with a KO Punch. Another match that isn’t doing anything for me.

Chris Jericho in the house (but not the wrestle)! He has put together a panel of judges to critique “Fandangblow” in his match against R-Truth. His panel consists of Jericho joined by Brodus Clay and Tensai. So this segment is off to a flying start. “Fandingleberry” A very small amount of Fandangoing going on. The three judges give Fandango a combined score    of five so Dango calls Jericho out for not being skilled enough to judge. Out comes R-Truth who gets beaten down before turning the tide with a spinning kick. Scissor kick takes out Fandango, giving Truth the chance to dance for the judges who give him tens across board. Not liking the way things are going, Fandango exits the ring and loses via count out. I get the gimmick but I tend to prefer wrestlers who actually wrestle. They really seem to be putting a lot of effort into a sideshow. I wonder if he’d be on TV at all right now if Fandangoing never started.

Judges guessing how many inches of stomach Tensai is exposing

Backstage Daniel Bryan is talking about being attacked by the Shield after his match against Ryback on Smackdown (which apparently was really good). To show that he can’t be intimidated, Bryan challenges Ryback to a match (huh?) which Ryback refuses because Bryan is hurt and is only half the man Ryback is anyway. Kane then gets in Ryback’s face, challenging him instead. Ryback says Kane isn’t a monster anymore, and Ryback is the only monster these days. So that’s gonna happen maybe.

YOUR World Heavyweight Champion Dolph Ziggler out with AJ and Big E to take on Alberto Del Rio. Ziggler tapped out on Smackdown to Del Rio’s cross armbreaker, again making Dolph look like a damn jobber. Del Rio takes control early despite early pro Ziggler chants with kicks and a big hip toss before Dolph answers with a standing dropkick. Ziggler hit the splash in the corner but Del Rio bounces back and hits an enziguri in the opposite corner into Dolph’s arm. Ziggler sells the arm injury as he applies a suplex, with Alberto coming back with a backstabber. The back and forth affair is interrupted by Jack Swagger and Zeb Colter coming out. Big E stares down Swagger as Jack heads to the broadcast table. Man, there are a lot of people involved in this match. 7 people for one triple threat match. Match doesn’t quite work. During the break, Ziggler hit an X-Factor off the top rope thanks to an AJ distraction. Dolph then hits a flurry of elbow drops as Colter says that if Langston looks at him the wrong way again he’s going to slap the taste out of his mouth. Colter also adds that Del Rio has an advantage in a ladder match because he has experience with ladders. Meanwhile Del Rio botched a move running up to Ziggler at the top rope, but recovered and hit a reverse superplex, driving Ziggler face first into the mat. Can’t say I’ve seen that move before. From here Alberto is in full control, hitting the spinning back breaker and side kick to the face for a two count. Del Rio then calls for the arm breaker. Ziggler spins out initially but Del Rio spins back into it and applies the hold. Ziggler looks bound to tap when AJ jumps to the apron to distract the ref. Langston then pulls Del RIo out of the ring and throws him into Swagger (ending the match via DQ). Swagger then knocks out Big E before pulling out a ladder and taking out Ziggler and Del Rio. Swags getting pushed to look legit again as we get closer to Extreme Rules. Match was pretty good by the way. Specifically that reverse superplex.

Backstage, Kaitlyn is talking to the Funkadactyles about their match against AJ and the Bellas when Kaitlyn gets a text from her secret admirer. The most interesting part of this whole thing to me is the alert noise Kaitlyn has on her phone. It’s a cartoon spring. As in, “BOING!” Couldn’t go with the standard beep? Is it as simple as the erection joke I have in my head? So now Natalya has Khali trying to figure out who this guy is (I still say Cody). Meanwhile the Bellas are listening to the whole thing behind the curtain. Cole says that Cody has told WWE.com that he is NOT the secret admirer. If it’s on WWE.com it has to be true.

The Usos getting some TV time as they join Kofi Kingston and get to lose to the Shield this week. The Usos actually start strong (most underrated tag team), working over Ambrose and Rollins before Reigns comes in and takes control over Jimmy. The Shield cycle through personnel, singling out Jimmy (I think), keeping him away from his corner. Jimmy hits a Samoan drop and reaching Kofi on a hot tag, who takes out Reigns and Rollins before hitting Ambrose with a Boom Drop. Kofi hits swinging kicks on Ambrose and Reigns before hitting a 180 splash on Ambrose but Reigns broke up the pin. Kofi then goes to the top rope again but Rollins pushes him down (while Reigns distracted the ref for some unknown reason) to give Ambrose the opening to hit his finisher (a DDT/bulldog hybrid) to win the match. Good showing from the Usos who always step up whenever they are on TV, but of course the Shield steal the show.

Only photo of this move

Forever scorned Zack Ryder against constantly underappreciated Antonio Cesaro. Cesaro lost to Kofi on Main Event last week and got his revenge by pulling out a lock of Kofi’s hair (that’ll show him?). It’s all Cesaro early as he over powers Ryder until Zack comes back with a drop kick off the top rope. Antonio knocks Ryder out with an uppercut though, hitting the Neutralizer and winning the match with minimum effort. Maybe Cesaro will be built up again. Cesaro takes the mic after the match, asking for stiffer competition and claiming that he puts the “W” in WWE. He says that there is no one ins NXT, Smackdown, Main Event or Raw that can do what he can do in the ring. Sounds like he’s back to business.

Throughout the show Cole has been talking about Lesnar and Heyman taking over the WWE offices. Each time, Cole point out that they had no appointment. Did that matter? Was anyone saying, “well did they have an appointment at least?” Anyway Paul Heyman joins us via satellite to talk about what happened earlier. Heyman filmed the whole thing himself, and showed the footage. We see them entering the building, getting into the elevator (which featured a very funny bit of Lesnar staring down a lackey waiting for his floor), getting out of the elevator, walking around noticing that there are no Lesnar posters, and finally going into Triple H’s office. At least it’s supposed to be his office. Looks pretty cheap and dare I say, breakable. Lesnar puts his World Heavyweight title on his shoulder and sits with his feet up on his desk before starting to destroy all of his stuff. Brock then notices a sledgehammer hanging on the wall, takes it and breaks the desk with it. Why is a sledgehammer on his wall? Is it a special one? Was it the one he used to hit the Undertaker during their first ‘Mania match? How many does he have? Anyway the whole point was to show the destruction that Lesnar will cause Triple H at Extreme Rules. Heyman says that he is usually trying to control and discourage Lesnar from going to far. However, since Triple H Pedigreed him a few weeks ago on Raw, Heyman is going to encourage Lesnar to go farther instead. He puts the now dented World Heavyweight Championship that he took from Triple H’s office on his shoulder as Triple H comes out to the ring in response. Triple H says Heyman looks like a baby chick with the little strands of hair sticking up from his head before bragging about how extreme he his after forming DX and that he knocked out Brock Lesnar. Triple H says that he has two offices. The one Lesnar tore up, and the ring which is more like his home and he’ll fight back in this office and whatnot. Heyman and Lesnar in the WWE office worked pretty well. It seemed to stall a bit when Triple H came out to respond. When you just faced each other and will have their third match against one another in a year there just isn’t much new to say. I’m ready for both of these guys to go away for a while.

But do they have an appointment?

Time for the Divas six person tag match (finally!). AJ starts off by taking control of Camron, hitting a couple of neckbreakers before blowing a kiss at Kaitlyn. If she’s going to have a title shot it’s good that she is showing off some wrestling for a change. It’s a lot like how they booked Aksana. Why isn’t Big E with AJ? Cameron sloppily bounces back, hitting a cross body splash but not covering, instead tagging in Kaitlyn. AJ slaps Kaitlyn and then tries to tag in one of the Bellas, but they both ditch AJ, leaving her to be speared by Kaitlyn, handing the match over to the faces. So that happened.

Old Fashioned Parenting

Mark Henry in the ring next to trash talk Sheamus. He says Sheamus is going to come out and act tough in a minute, while Henry actually is tough. He plays the crowd, who is doing the what chant, by leading them on into more what chants and calling them a bunch of puppets. Mark then shows footage of him beating up Sheamus from two weeks ago. Sheamus then comes out and shows footage of how he tricked Henry during games of tig of war and arm wrestling, both of which resulted in Sheamus cheating and attacking Henry. So who is the heel here? Sheamus and Henry argue and look like they are about to fight right now when Intercontinental Champion Wade Barrett comes out for his scheduled match against Sheamus. Henry sits at the announce table for the match, telling JBL to carry the broadcast like he always does. Sheamus takes the action outside and looks like he is going to throw Barrett into Henry. Mark jumps back and Sheamus fakes the throw and laughs at Henry. Sheamus then rolls Wade back into the ring and lays Mark out with a Brogue Kick. Sheamus has been getting the upper hands for weeks it seems. Back in the ring, Sheamus hit a flying shoulder block but Barrett started to come back with a swinging side slam. Sheamus ducks under the Bullhammer Elbow however and hits White Noise. Sheamus then lands the Brogue Kick and wins the match, but then is immediately attacked by Mark Henry with a belt that he ripped off an EMT that was examining him. He slaps Sheamus stupid with the belt before hitting the WSS onto the outside mat. Henry was very good in this segment. Decent match too.

This just in. Fandango will face Chris Jericho next Monday on Raw, in a dance off. Lawler exclaimed “FINALLY.” Really? I miss wrestling.

Main event time as Ryback squares off against Kane. This is your closer? There really are depth problems when Cena and Punk aren’t involved. The match starts fast with a lot of shoulder blocks and pin attempts. Ryback clotheslines Kane over the top rope but Kane lands on his feet, pulls Ryback to the outside and they continue trading blows. This is an important match for Ryback as he’s getting main event time against a larger opponent for the first time in a while. Back from break, Ryback is in control and slows things down. He sets up for the meathook clothesline but Kane counters with a big boot. Ryback then powers out of a chokeslam attempt only to fall to a jumping DDT. Ryback answers with a spinebuster and calls for Shellshock. Kane fights back with a suplex and goes to the top rope, where Ryback knocks him down. Ryback then hits Kane with Shellshock and wins the match. Very solid match from both men. The pace was quick which had a nice twist with the two big men. Right after the match the Shield came to the ring. Daniel Bryan runs in to help Kane and Ryback exits. Lawler makes it sounds like Bryan is surprised that Ryback left. Really?  John Cena then comes in to help Bryan and Kane, but as the Shield attacks, Ryback comes back in with a chair and attacks Cena. The Shield takes off while Ryback stands over Cena to end the show. So that’s two shows in a row now that Ryback has gotten the upper hand on Cena with help from the Shield. Normally I’d say Ryback would just be a secret member of the Shield but I think he would make them weaker (he was also a failed experiment on Nexus and we don’t want to repeat THAT mistake). It’s a good thing that Ryback looked good in his match because all of these segments with Cena have made him look mostly inept.

At the end of the day we’re really just trading the same water as last week and basically the week before as well. In fact, if you just read last week’s recap and didn’t want to read this one I’d understand.

This message is at the end of the post though, so figure out how to handle that on your own.

John Cena injured his right Achilles tendon during the European tour. I think the WWE is now European in their pants. Could this be the heel turn we’ve all been waiting for?

Okay this could easily be a work but we won’t know until Extreme Rules. Cena is hurt but aren’t they all injured all the time? This is also coming from WWE.com and any story they “break” has an equal chance of being real or just there to push a story ahead. Apparently crowds have not been reacting well to Ryback versus Cena so this could be a way to add something to it. However when rumors circulate that the Undertaker could be called in to save the PPV in the event Cena can’t perform (and already no Punk), it sounds off a few alarms. Love him or hate him, it’s impossible to deny that he is still the major draw of the WWE (sorry Punk fans, you know it’s true). Losing him for any amount of time right after becoming WWE Champion would be nothing short of a disaster for the Extreme Rules buy rate. Maybe Cena should have thought of that before he decided to spend the last ten years wrestling in sneakers. How could you not see a heel injury coming?

Zubaz!

What better way to make us forget about Cena than with a gimmick match. The sidekicks to the three men in the World Heavyweight Championship match, Ricardo Rodriguez, Zeb Colter and Big E Langston, square off in a triple threat match. The winner of that match then gets to pick the stipulation for the triple threat title match at Extreme Rules. I’m just happy that there is going to be a stipulation in the match since so far, this card was looking anything but extreme. Smackdown GM made this match which clearly gives my boy Ziggler’s boy Big E the edge. Zeb leaves the ring and leaves Ricardo alone to be squashed by Langston. Rodriguez lays a couple of chops in but it only makes Big E angry, leading to a few back breakers. This match immediately seems too long to me as Big E is really taking his time with Ricardo. Langston then goes to spear Ricardo in the corner but Rodriguez jumps up and Big E’s shoulder goes into the ring post. Ricardo starts to capitalize with dropkicks and Zeb comes in the attack Big E as well. Rodriguez then tries teaming up with Colter against Langston, but Zeb draws Ricardo away, giving Langston the opening to run over him. Colter then pushes Big E away so that he can beat Ricardo himself. Langston then switches his attention to Colter, who fakes a leg injury to avoid contact. Ricardo then hits Langston while he’s distracted, but it has no impact. Big E hits a belly to belly suplex to lay out Ricardo and looks to hit him with the Big Ending when Alberto Del Rio runs in and enziguri’s Langston (triple threat rules so no DQ). Ziggler dropkicks Del Rio out of the ring, Swagger throws Dolph out and Langston clotheslines Swagger out, taking himself out of the ring as well. With only Ricardo and Colter in the ring, Zeb pins Rodriguez but AJ grabs the refs arm to stop the three count. While Zeb argues, Ricardo rolls up Colter from behind and gets the pin (why AJ didn’t stop that pin I’ll never know). So now Ricardo and Alberto Del Rio get to decide the stipulation for the World Heavyweight Championship match. Since there is already a cage match on the card, I’ll guess a table match, but a submission match is definitely a possibility.

Injury aside, John Cena is in the house…to introduce some Make a Wish kids to the audience on Make a Wish day. Yes it was a very nice thing and we all know how much charity work Cena does but it doesn’t exactly answer any questions.

The next match puts Randy Orton against Cody Rhodes. They start off with some old school wrestling, working the mat and the ropes before Randy threw Cody over the top rope. Rhodes held on and actually skinned the cat the get back in, but Orton was waiting for it and hit him with a dropkick after he got back in. Nice spot. Orton held control for a while after that, doing the Garvin stomp among other things before Cody pulled Orton into the bottom turnbuckle and went on the offensive. Oddly enough there is no sign or mention of Damien Sandow. Orton reverses a suplex for a two count but Cody hits a standing dropkick of his own to keep regain momentum. Meanwhile the announcers are talking about Cody living up to his dad Dusty’s standards, to which Cole said Dusty was handcuffed by Sapphire (just one of Dusty’s problems in the WWE). This match is really getting a lot of time. Orton controlled for another extended period but after Orton threw Cody back in the ring, Rhodes came out of nowhere with a disaster kick to knock Randy off the apron. After a few failed pin attempts Cody kept the momentum, countering all of Orton’s attempts to come back. Rhodes then called that the match was “done,” going to the top rope. Orton saw this and knocked Cody down to hit a snap superplex for a two count. From there Orton went into his signature move set, hitting the second rope DDT but Cody blocked the RKO and hit Cross Rhodes! Orton kicked out on two and half though to make Cody go mental. Big pop for Cody there. He yells at Orton that the Legacy is over and goes for the Disaster Kick, but Orton catches him for the RKO and gets the victory. Very good match but Rhdoes has to get the gold star here. He really worked his butt off and was excellent for the whole match. Afterwards, Matt Stryker spoke to Orton in the ring, and Randy said that the WreslteMania loss due the Big Show fuels him, and he’s never been more focused and felt more extreme. At that point, Cody tried to sneak up behind Randy and got a second RKO for his trouble. What an unnecessary ending to the match. I guess it was just to get the word “extreme” thrown in.

Superstar of the night

After a cheap plug for the Divas reality show on E!, Brie Bella took on Naomi. So here’s another chance for Sandow to come out but so far no luck. Hopefully he’ll be in an actual match. I’ve said this before, but Naomi actually looks like she can do some things in the ring. She hits an enziguri and pulls off some other moves, but with the ref looking the other way, the Bellas do some twin magic and Naomi gets rolled up in a small package for the pin. No idea how she could fall for a small package but anyway, the Funkadyctles argue and the ref gives the match to Naomi via DQ, sending the Bellas in on the attack. They take down Cameron and he can move on.

The Shield in the ring to address the crowd after they attacked the Undertaker on Smackdown. Yup, the Undertaker was on Smackdown. He beat Dean Ambrose but got attacked and power bombed through a table. I just can’t go over how much he’s performed since WrestleMania. It’s great to see. He must be feeling pretty good, or the WWE must be giving him a lot of money due to all of the talent not being around post ‘Mania. As great as it is to see him, it just displays even more how thin the current roster is. The Shield run through all of the success they have had, saying that no one has been able to beat them, including the Undertaker. They are just about to talk about to talk about Cena and Ryback when 3MB comes out (what?). They say that the Shield has unfinished business with 3MB, and will “rock their face.” 3MB surround the ring and they start brawling. The Shield overpower them of course but all of a sudden Team Hell No come out. The slide into the ring and the Shield slide out and get away. Kane and Bryan take their frustrations out on 3MB, with Heath Slater getting chokeslammed while Bryan gets a YES! chant going. Don’t they kind of seem like sore losers now?

Backstage, Cena is getting his ankle taped when Ryback tells him that all the tape in the world doesn’t change the fact that he’s hurt. They are supposed to be partners against the Shield. Cena responds by saying he bets he’s better on one leg than Ryback is on two. Ryback say’s he “can’t take that chance” and leaves. Is he going to pull a Tonya Harding and take out Cena’s leg?

After Cole and Lawler showed us how ordering Dominoes Pizza works, DOLPH ZIGGLER headed down the ring for a match against United States Champion Kofi Kingston. Kofi starts off strong with a Russian leg sweep and a kick to the face for a two count. Ziggler avoided the SOS but ran into a swinging round house kick on the apron. Kingston then went for a springboard move but Dolph caught him in the air with a standing dropkick to send him out of the ring. Back in the ring Dolph continues to control things, hitting a somewhat modified version of the Rude Awakening. Kofi began to fight back with a flurry of kicks, leading into the Boom Drop. Ziggler then ducked under Trouble in Paradise and hit the jumping DDT for a two count. Kofi then responded with an SOS for a two count of his own, and followed by evading a fame-asser and connecting on Trouble in Paradise. Ziggler was only saved when AJ put Dolph’s foot on the rope to stop the pin attempt. Dolph rolled outside the ring where Langston tried to revive him, but Kofi jumped off the apron and took out Big E. Kington then rolled Dolph back into the ring and hit a cross body splash off the top rope but only got a two count. AJ then came in the distract the ref, but Kofi knocked Big E back off the apron. Ziggler rolled up Kofi from behind, but Kingston reversed it and Dolph kicked out on two. Ziggler then went for a dropkick but Kofi caught him and hit a sling shot into the corner. Kofi then went to the top rope for a 180 splash for some reason, missing because Dolph rolled away seemingly before Kingston even started to jump off. Ziggler hits the Zig Zag and your World Heavyweight Champion wins the match. Of course you-know-who stole the show. Great match. The roll up spot at the end got a huge reaction. After the match, Big E hit Kofi with the Big Ending to add an exclamation mark.

Somebody got his mojo back

Backstage, AJ and friends run into Kaitlyn and they have a trash talk session. Ziggler and AJ were specifically on with their banter during the segment, which ended when Kaitlyn got a letter and an ugly hat from a secret admirer. Fifty bucks says its Cody Rhodes (okay five buck. No, ONE DOLLAR!).

More backstage drama as Ryback goes up to Vickie Guerrero and Brad Maddox, saying that he won’t let John Cena leave him to face the Shield alone again. Guerrero suggests that Ryback team up with Kane and Daniel Bryan instead, making it a six man tag match. Ryback says that Ryback rules (just because) and that he already teamed up with them and declines their help. What a bitch.

Jack Swagger out to the ring for a match against Zack Ryder (oh boy). Ryder had us rewatch Colter losing the opening match tonight, rubbing the defeat in their face. Swagger then goes on to beat the snot out of Ryder, hitting two Swagger bombs. He goes for a third but Ryder gets a leg up to block it and goes on the offensive. The flurry gets stopped when Swagger hits a nice looking gutwrench powerbomb, and follows with the Patriot Lock for the submission win. They rub it in with some slaps after the match and we’re out with little time wasted.

Mark Henry in the ring next to prove that he is the strongest man in the world. He asked Vickie Guerrero for two opponents for a tug of war and got Tensai first. Tensai loses badly so now Brodus Clay comes out. This is horrible. I thought he was going to take on two people at the same time. No dice. Henry beats him too but now Sheamus is coming out to challenge him as well. Henry reluctantly accepts and this segments has to continue. Sheamus moves Henry a little but Mark pulls Sheamus right to the red line. Sheamus then let’s go of the rope to send Henry flying back. Mark then gets Brogue Kicked and knocked out. Once again, Sheamus loves to act like a heel.

Happy Birthday Big Guy!

Backstage again, Maddox informs Team Hell No that Ryback has left the building. Kane says that they want revenge for what the Shield did for the Undertaker, and want to match no matter what. Vickie then has Maddox go to Cena. Cena then orders him to tell Vickie that he will be joining Kane and Bryan against the Shield. If Maddox wasn’t going to ask him to join already then what was he there to do? Ask to keep him out of the match? I’ll ignore the painfully awkward Maddox jabber, since that just comes with the territory these days. Okay I can’t do it. What is the end game with this guy? Where is his skill? What to they see in him?

Former United States Champion Antonio Cesaro now gets the job to Alberto Del Rio. They start with some grappling leading into Del Rio taking charge, hitting an enziguri in Cesaro’s arm, setting up for the arm breaker. Cesaro turns the tide though, pulling an arm lock on Alberto. Del Rio then pulls off a hurricarrana and follows it up with a back stabber. Antonio escapes the cross armbreaker however and gets out of the ring to regroup. Del Rio goes out to pursue him but Cesaro responds by hitting a back body drop onto the apron, then a running uppercut into the corner. Del Rio hits a tilt-a-wirl back breaker to get back into it, following it up with a german suplex for a two count. Alberto then goes to the top rope for a double axe handle, but Cesaro meets him with an upper cut for a two count. Del Rio then dodges Antonio running into the corner, hits a side kick to the face and goes for the cross arm breaker. Cesaro reverses it into a pin attempt initially, but Del Rio rolls him back over to lock in the arm breaker and get the submission win. Solid match from both men. Cesaro really deserves a push for the way he’s jobbed for everyone lately. After the match, Del Rio announces that the Triple Threat Match for the World Heavyweight Championship will be a ladder match. So that’ll be cool I suppose.

Fandango out to face Khali…in a dance off. After Lawler gave Khali the chance to further butcher the english language, he butchered the art of dance with Natalya. Fandango then described Jericho’s dancing on Dancing with the Stars as “clumsy” and did his typical dance moves. The crowd apparently cheered more for Khali, and Fandango got revenge by beating up Khali, finishing him off with the top rope leg drop.

Now that that is out of the way we can move on to the main event. John Cena and his busted Achilles and indeed in the ring and will compete, so I guess we can put all that to rest. This six man tag match is how Cena has been booked since the injury, giving him as little stress as possible on the leg. The Shield surrounds the ring and goes on the attack, but the faces fight them off and force them out of the ring. The official match starts with Kane against Ambrose. Kane lands an extended vertical suplex before Ambrose tags in Reigns who gets more of the same. Reigns then drives Kane into the Shields corner to have Rollins take on Kane, but he gets thrown into the faces corner instead. Kane is overly aggressive on Rollins, looking to get revenge on the Shield. He grabs the ref by the throat when he tries to separate Kane from Rollins, and is saved from being disqualified when Cena tags himself in. Cena then delivers one kick and tweaks his injured leg, leading Bryan to tag in and let Cena heal up. Bryan and Amrose end up in the ring with Daniel administering a flurry of kicks and a Mexican surfboard before Kane gets tagged back in. Kane goes for the top rope chop but Ambrose moves away and Rollins beats down on Kane. Back from break Ambrose is working on Bryan. He and Rollins their double drop kicks and Seth takes over the action. Daniel tried fighting back but Rollins hit him with a roundhouse kick for a two count and Roman Reigns got tagged in. At this point I wonder what the plan would have been if Cena was healthy. Would would Ryback have joined Cena instead? Would have made a lot of sense. Anyway Bryan finally reached Kane on a hot tag and he started cleaning house. With Reigns out after Bryan pulled the top rope down on him running in, Kane hit Ambrose with a sidewalk slam and Rollins got thrown out of the ring. Kane hit Ambrose coming off the top rope and was about to go for a choke slam to end it, but Kane wanted revenge for what happened to the Undertaker and went to the announce table. Outside the ring, Kane got speared by Reigns and almost got counted out. Coming back in, Ambrose did the Undertaker throat gesture but Kane countered with a choke slam. Cena then got the hot tag and hit the five moves of doom on Reigns. Rollins then went for a splash on Cena but John rolled it over and pulled up Seth for an Attitude Adjustment. Cena’s leg gave out however, leading to Reigns spearing Cena and getting the pin. After the match, Ryback came to the stage to stare at Cena, who is getting worked on by the medical staff as the show ends.

Looking more like Goldberg every day

So for all intents and purposes John Cena is locked in for Extreme Rules, and will be protected as much as possible so that he is good to go against Ryback. I think there is something to be said for the fact that I didn’t miss Ryback on this show. I found it odder that Jericho was constantly mentioned during a segment while he wasn’t around.

Right now three matches are confirmed for Extreme Rules. Cena versus Ryback in a non extreme match. Lesnar versus Triple H three, and Swagger versus Del Rio versus Ziggler, which is the most unique match. You then have Sheamus versus Mark Henry, Kaitlyn versus AJ, and Randy Orton versus the Big Show? I’m also expecting Team Hell No to face the Shield somehow but no idea how that will work. Would you blame me if I skipped Extreme Rules right now?