Two Wedding Proposals and Three Squash Matches on Raw

With more love for CM Punk and Daniel Bryan than AJ, here is your Raw recap!

If you didn’t check out the Great American Bash Smackdown show on Tuesday, you missed AJ whoring it up with both Punk and Bryan to essentially say that it’ll be anyone’s match at MITB. Last time Punk had to deal with a special ref was Johnny Ace in his match against Dolph Ziggler, and Laurinaitis ended up not doing a damn thing. I have to believe this will be different. It all just makes me wonder how one would become a guest referee. Johnny Damon would never be brought it as a special guest umpire for a Yankees/Red Sox game. Does AJ even know how to be a ref? With all that said, I can’t help but think Bryan is taking the title this Sunday.

AJ of course opens up the show and calls out Punk to tell him she’s not crazy, and then proceeds to act crazy. Punk looks like he’s had enough of it all and to be honest so have I (and so does the guy holding the “boring” sign in the crowd). It’s just becoming too much and hopefully it gets toned down after this week. Anyway AJ gets down on one knee (uh oh!) and proposes to Punk (phew!). Before Punk could answer, Daniel Bryan comes out to stop it and beg her to not go through with it. By the way, Daniel Bryan looks just like Ernest Hemingway. Anyway so Bryan ends up proposing to AJ. Punk of course throws out the fact that it’s bull because he doesn’t have a ring, and then wouldn’t you know it, the ANONYMOUS RAW GM IS BACK! Yup, the gimmick that couldn’t decide if it was a heel or face, or who it was in the first place, is the interim manager this week.

So the computer puts together a match, and I quote, putting AJ and Punk against Eve and Bryan in a mixed gender match. Anyway AJ leaves thinking she’s leaving the arena with her future husband, annnnnnnnnnnnd this angle has completely jumped the shark. Maybe she’ll marry Kane, who is going to team up with Cena (I guess they buried the hatchet for the whole “embrace the hate thing”) against Jericho and Big Show (hopefully to be announced as JeriShow).

Half the match

First match of the night is Sheamus versus Swagger. I wonder when he’ll leave to be in the Marine 3? White Noise plus Brogue Kick equals squash match. Del Rio talks trash on the big screen and Sheamus kick Swagger again. Way to promote their match. With the extra time, we find our US Champion Santino doing a Sherlock Holmes impression in an effort to find out who the anonymous GM is. I guess he won’t be wrestling again.

Ziggler and Tensai pairing up against Christian and Tyson Kidd (is this tag team night?). Outside help leads to Tensai pinning Christian and that’s two matches that lasted a combined five minutes. My boy Ziggler barely even broke a sweat. Tensai keeps beating up Tyson Kidd for Kidd pulling a win out of his ass last week. Do I really have to keep up with a Tensai/Kidd feud?

Anyway Cole and Lawler argued about who the permanent GM’s are and it Cole threw a drink at Lawler or something and got pissed. Turns out the laptop is now a face, announcing that Lawler will face Cole in a WrestleMania rematch. Now Brodus Clay is coming out for a match against Drew McIntyre. Big surpise, another squash match. So far this is the worst Raw I’ve seen in a while.

ERMAHGERG, LERDERSH!

Cena/Kane versus JeriShow time. I get the feeling this match will last longer than two minutes. Of course before they start however, Cena has to come out to promote Money in the Bank and saying absolutely nothing in the process. He’s actually telling us Money in the Bank is a must see event. He might as well give us the link to order it from our local cable provider. Unbelievably shameless promotion. No JeriShow music by the way. Show actually made a point backstage to say that JeriShow sucked for him and he’s taking the lead. He’s even a heel to the other heels. Show is still acting as the unstoppable force, pushing around Cena and Kane. These show’s right before a PPV are always weird. All the story telling is mostly done and it’s just reestablishing everything we saw for the last month.

Cena pulls a SuperCena move on Show, which Show sells for a bit but bounces back against Kane and brings Jericho in. The whole thing leads into a furious finish with Cena and Jericho at the forefront and Show pulling Cena outside to prevent a pin and the match is stopped (although I can’t figure out why). With everyone down Big Show brings out some ladders and beats everyone up. If you haven’t noticed, Big Show is big and strong and mean. Cena of course comes back to hit Show with a ladder and pose in the ring. Best match of the night by far, but that is only saying so much. Now Raw is asking in a poll if we want to see Lawler fight Cole. No, we do not.

Welcome to the gun show

Sin Cara versus Heath Slater for a spot in the World Heavyweight Championship Money in the Bank Match (get all that?). An ill timed commercial break meant that we don’t hear the “One Man Band” theme song. So obviously Sin Cara wins the match, but the big question is what legend will come out to beat up on Slater. The answer? Bob MUTHAEFFIN Backlund that’s who! Most of the crowd doesn’t remember who he is, but I have to say for a really old man he looks pretty damn good. He’s going with the insane version that challenged Brett Hart, and unlike Psycho Sid, Backlund comes out in his tights and quickly applies the crossface chicken-wing. Awesome.

Apparently I was dead wrong about the WWE Universe (or at least the people that vote) and 75% said they wanted to see Lawler versus Cole. I imagine this poll was heavily doctored. So not only do we get this damn match, but Josh Matthews and Booker T have to come in to announce it. Lawler won in about 20 seconds, but because Booker threw Cole into the ring, the anonymous GM declared Cole the winner. Here is where it gets even worse. Santino somehow deduces that the Raw GM is under the ring, and is in fact Hornswaggle. So after all of that nonsense with this stupid computer, this is how it ends. Now this could be the worst Raw ever.

At least we have Punk/AJ versus Bryan/Eve right? Well if my clock is correct there is only eight minutes of show left so I’m not expecting much. We get about 90 seconds of Punk/Bryan before AJ tags herself in and now it’s her and Eve. Despite everyone’s wishes AJ won’t let Eve tag Bryan. Then Bryan turns his back on Eve, giving AJ a win. Bryan than said he did it because AJ is more important than a match and tries to get AJ to leave with him. Punk then does himself no favors and says he won’t marry AJ. AJ responds by slapping both Punk and Bryan, and we’re right back where we started. What a waste of two hours.

I’d love to say that you can come here after Money in the Bank to find out how this all plays out but I’ll be away for the week. Don’t worry, I’ll be back in time for Raw’s 1000th episode and more importantly The Dark Knight Rises. I really dodged a bullet on that one.

For the record, here are my predictions for MITB:

Cody Rhodes wins MITB World Championship match

Sheamus defeats Del Rio

Kofi and Truth defeat Hunico and Camacho (fans lose as well)

Chris Jericho wins MITB WWE Championship match

Daniel Bryan defeats CM Punk

I also predict Ryback will beat someone who weighs under 180 pounds.

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