Tales Of An Expectant Dad: Week 9

wendysOn November 5th 2012, my wife gave birth to our first child. During the pregnancy I decided that I would write about the experience. Every week since I have documented all of the events that took place throughout this time, along with my thoughts on them. Now that I can confirm that our baby is happy and healthy, I will share those thoughts with you.

Week 9 – Feedings, Fondlings, and Families

First off, let’s just run through a couple of things I need to get out there. For the fourth time in seven days I had to go to Wendy’s to get Jess a spicy chicken sandwich (hold the mayo). This time a hamburger is added as well. Also, I must stop at ShopRite for jellybeans, a Carvel ice cream cake, and a loaf of bread for french toast. Days later, while I was at work, an often nauseous Jess had the biggest craving in the world for a turkey sandwich. So much so that she was willing to walk two miles to the nearest deli to get it. After discovering that it was closed (by phone, thank goodness) she straight up offered to pay her mother 100 dollars to bring her one turkey sandwich on a roll (and she didn’t do it!). Most recently on the way home from a hockey game, Jess went from absolutely needing a soft pretzel to absolutely needing to go to Dunkin’ Donuts for a jelly donut in about 3 minutes. Everything you heard about pregnancy cravings is completely true, and is in full effect right now.

The other thing that is out there at the moment is my wife’s chest. Holy crap did it blow up. Over the course of a month Jessica’s boobs went from value meal to super-sized and they look spectacular. However there is one catch. I am not allowed anywhere near them. Since they are growing so rapidly with baby feeding juice, they are sore as hell. That means that putting a seatbelt on wrong causes shrieks of pain. It’s like if she bought an Aston Martin, parked in front of the house, then told me that I couldn’t drive it or even sit in it, all while she complained about how bad the gas mileage is. Who cares?! It’s an Aston Martin! Let me take it or a spin and worry about the consequences later! The no touching doesn’t just stop at the chest though. Pretty much all physical contact is off limits at some point. Can’t hug too much since it will hurt her chest and make her nauseous. Can’t kiss too long because she can’t breathe. I can’t get pushed away fast enough in bed, which coincides with her spreading out while sleeping as much as she ever has. I can go on and on, but I think the point is made best by the fact that the other day I had to move off the couch because our hips were touching. I have gotten to a point now where I am getting used to it, however that gets thrown off by the occasional night where if she’s not wrapped in my arms she can’t sleep and won’t let me sleep either.

Anyway, now that we have a heartbeat we feel comfortable telling our families and close friends in on the news. Of course everyone is excited. My brother and most of my cousins have started having children, so the news about more being added to the group makes them all crazy with fantasies of the kids growing up together and having their future kids together and starting a business or something. Meanwhile the youngest on Jess’ side just turned 20, so announcing that a baby is on the way was like telling them we made a time machine out of a DeLorean. However I keep thinking about what would have happened if we would have had this news two years earlier. Before being married or even engaged. We still would have been together for a while, but I get the idea that if we told people Jess was pregnant then, instead of everyone being excited they would ask, “So what are you gonna do?” Funny how a couple of rings and a document completely legitimizes having a baby regardless of your financial situation or personality. Also, don’t believe it for a minute when people say they don’t care what sex the baby is as long as it’s healthy. Everyone cares. They care a lot. That’s why they ask when we’ll know the sex and if we’ve thought about names (which always means we’ll hear their suggestions, which are their own names half the time). Don’t believe me either. I want a boy in the worst way. I wouldn’t scream obscenities if I had a girl of course but let’s be real. I want a boy to take to Mets game and teach how to do guy stuff. I’m not exactly thrilled about possibly going dress shopping or having imaginary tea parties right now. I don’t even want to think about what I’ll do to the first guy my daughter brings home. Yes, I’d like to order one boy please (and a gift receipt).

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