Tales Of An Expectant Dad: Week 10

viewOn November 5th 2012, my wife gave birth to our first child. During the pregnancy I decided that I would write about the experience. Every week since I have documented all of the events that took place throughout this time, along with my thoughts on them. Now that I can confirm that our baby is happy and healthy, I will share those thoughts with you.

Week 10 – The Most Important Thing I’ll Ever Say

Holy crap my baby is moving! Jess came back from her most recent doctor visit with a picture of something that actually looks like a somewhat of a person and a report that the thing sticking out of it was wiggling like crazy. If you are having a hard time believing that any of this pregnancy stuff is really happening, how your wife tell you there is a creature moving inside of her. That’ll make it feel pretty damn real pretty damn fast. Jess also informed me that our baby is now growing nipples, hair follicles, bile ducts and anus. Great. Now I can look back and remember the first time I thought about my baby’s nipples and anus. Just take me to jail already.

In addition, the next appointment will help us find out if the baby will have any birth abnormalities, such as down syndrome. Jess says that she will try not to think about it since she can’t do anything about it anyway and she doesn’t want to freak herself out without knowing that there is something to freak out over. Knowing her, she’s already freaking out about the idea of it. Not that I have any real reason to be, but I’m a bit nervous myself. I’ll never tell her that though.

To give you an idea about how Jess is handling things emotionally right now, I really only need to say one thing. She started to cry while watching ‘Step Brothers.’ Yes the Will Ferrell, John C. Reilly movie. She watched them opening their Hulk Hands and wallet on Christmas and started getting all emotional thinking about our baby’s first Christmas. Of course it’s adorable, but it’s also the actions of a lunatic.

The odd thing is, very little of this lunacy has been directed toward me. She has gotten very mad at her mother, her brother, my mother, her mother’s dogs, a guy smoking a cigarette in a car ahead of us, and our coffee table. Meanwhile I have been almost exclusively adored with the exception of one or two poorly timed comments. Fortunately we’ve figured out why I always end up on her good side, and with that in mind, if there is anything that I say in this entire piece of rambling trash that you actually remember it is this:

DO EVERYTHING YOUR WIFE WANTS YOU TO DO!

I know it sounds ridiculous, especially after some of the things you will be asked to do, but it really is a must. Jess is in a state where the slightest occurrence can drive her from happy to psycho and back again. The one thing that has held up this entire experience so far is that no matter what, she needs to feel important, cared for, and loved. All this really means is do what she tells you to do without sulking over it too much (although a little sulking before doing it makes it seem like you love her more because you do it anyway), doing a little extra around the house and not giving her such a hard time about not being ready to leave or whatever it is you like to bitch about your wife doing or not doing. I’ve got it down to a point where she feels bad for me when she does feel cranky. She now wants to make it up to me for all of the things I am doing for her when she is stuck feeling nauseous on the couch. Instead of a push gift, which is where the father gives the mother a present around the time of birth (ain’t that a bitch!), Jess thinks she should be getting something for me instead.

The key is to keep your house as peaceful as possible. There are so many people she will encounter that just don’t know, don’t get, or just don’t care what she’s going through. She’ll get pissed off by the woman who boasts about never getting morning sickness, or the one who downplays her morning sickness because she hasn’t thrown up often enough. She’s going to get angry at the woman at the drive through window who gets an attitude when asked for the third time if the mayonnaise was left off of her sandwich. But when she comes home you have to be the one who knows exactly how she feels. You have to tell her she’s not crazy, she’s not ugly, she’s not fat, and that you still love her and are just as excited and scared about having this baby as she is. If you take care of her, it’ll be mostly smooth sailing. You can bitch about all this shit to your friends at your convenience.

I’d like for it to be noted that I am saying all this in week 10. There are two weeks left in the first trimester, and I have been told that while the nausea and dizziness will start to fade out, the emotional roller coaster will rise to a whole new level. I’m afraid I that will be eating my words.

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