Tales Of An Expectant Dad: Week 12

lisadaughterOn November 5th 2012, my wife gave birth to our first child. During the pregnancy I decided that I would write about the experience. Every week since I have documented all of the events that took place throughout this time, along with my thoughts on them. Now that I can confirm that our baby is happy and healthy, I will share those thoughts with you.

Week 12 – Things Taking Shape

This week began with me being as scared of my wife as I have ever been since I’ve known her. It is the beginning of a special team week at her office, which means that she is unable to work from home, and must take the train to the office for the entire week. This is already something she is not looking forward to since she can’t enjoy the luxuries of being at home, and she has to wake up 3 hours earlier than she normally would just to make it in on time. Being the good husband that I am, I volunteer wake up extra early to take her to the train each morning. Typically she will wake me up about ten minutes before she is ready to leave, I help her with any last minutes things she needs, and we are on our way.

Monday morning started out no different. She wakes me up, I pack her laptop and get her water, I put on my sneakers and I’m ready to go. A few minutes go by and I hear clothes rustling on the bed. The Jessica storms out of the bedroom, dives into a shopping bag and brings three pairs of pants back into the bedroom with her. I knock on the door to ask if I can help with anything, which she responds with a too early to be that loud “I HAVE NO PANTS THAT FIT!” To say this is an emergency would be an understatement.

Now that we are at the end of the first trimester (which sure as shit jumped up on me), Jess has just recently started gaining a little weight and needed new pants. This is more of a necessity as she needs to be in the office all week, and can’t just wear jeans. After shopping around for maternity clothes on Sunday she settles on three pairs of pants, two of which are too big but figures she’ll grow into, and the other good around the waist but a little too long. Just a little. No problem.

Cut back to Monday morning, and those same slightly long pants are now a good six inches too long. It looks like she stole them from Lisa Leslie (Famous women’s basketball player. Ever heard of the LA Sparks? No? Well she’s tall. Okay moving on). With her other new pants still too big, and the rest of her pants now too small, my poor pregnant wife was stuck with her comically long pants. With little time to waste, a desperate Jessica reaches for the first thing she sees, a stapler, and begins stapling the bottom of the pants up to an appropriate length. All of this I witnessed from the corner of the living room, as I was too terrified to do anything else. After she finished she began walking around and I got to see her handy work in action. One leg was in decent shape. The other however was a complete disaster. Sideways, still too long, a total mess. At this point I realized that she can’t leave the house that way, and I had to bite the bullet and say something. I put it as gently as I could considering the time of day and how little sleep I was working on. “Do you want me to help you with that other pant leg?”

“What’s wrong with it? Is it crooked? Aww maaaaaaaan!” Seeing what she had done she then pulls out the staples from that leg and starts again. This time she is a little more careful with it, does it right and we are on our way. With the stapling causing her to miss her train, she messaged her boss that she was running late due to a “pants meltdown.” He knows she is pregnant and let it go. When asked what happened she said he pants didn’t fit but she stapled them and she’s all set. Again, with her office being aware of the news, no follow up questions were asked. She realized in the car on the way to the train how difficult she was being and apologized to me, but the damage had already been done. I witnessed the full out type of crazy that I’m likely going to see a lot more of. A panicked stapler wielding soon to be eggplant shaped woman with lopsided pants and a bad case of getthehelloutofmywayitis.

Also her stomach now peeks out from the bottom of her t-shirts (which is adorable), she is finally starting to get her appetite back, and her stomach sounds like the filter of our fish tank.

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